“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “Mitt Romney on Tuesday won the New Hampshire Primary with 39 percent of the vote. It’s just the people saying loud and clear, “We like you less than half as much as a combination of all the other guys!” Despite his win, Republicans are having trouble getting excited about Romney, as evidenced by the way he was listed on the ballot.”

MEYERS – “After his strong second place finish in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, Ron Paul greeted supporters by walking out on stage to the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars. I guess because his aides couldn’t find the cassette that had this: (MUSIC: CIRCUS MUSIC).”

MEYERS – “According to a new survey, 56 percent of Mormons believe that the US is ready for a Mormon President. “Hey, not bad!” said the wrong Mormon.”

MEYERS – “Beyonce this past weekend gave birth to her daughter, named Blue Ivy Carter. But admit it, you would have been disappointed if they had just named her Lisa.”

MEYERS – “An Indiana woman, who was upset with her 14 year old son’s frequent run-ins with police, has forced him to stand outside wearing a sign reading “I lie. I steal. I sell drugs.” Which is terrible for the kid’s self esteem, but great for his drug business.”

MEYERS – “A medic in Mexico City, who was rushing to deliver a heart for a transplant operation, accidentally dropped the organ on the street, but surgeons were still able to use it. Earning the medic the nickname ‘5 Second Raul.’”

MEYERS – “According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control, for the first time in 45 years, homicide is no longer among the top 15 leading causes of death in the US. In fact, three of the top spots are just menu items at IHOP.”

MEYERS – “A Pennsylvania woman who is considering gender reassignment surgery is suing her former employer claiming that she was fired for wearing a fake penis to work. Though, in hindsight, she probably shouldn’t have worn it as a brooch.”

MEYERS – “A new study has found that the death of a loved one can dramatically increase a person’s risk of a heart attack. So just to be safe, never let yourself get close to anyone.”

MEYERS – “A Saudi Arabian man is reportedly trying to sell his son on Facebook for 20 million dollars. See, that’s why I don’t go on Facebook anymore. All anybody does is talk about their kids.”

MEYERS – “Wisconsin police arrested a drunken man this week named Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. At least that’s what the man kept saying.”

MEYERS – “Apple has signed a new deal to start selling its products at special “shops” inside Target stores. Meanwhile, Walmart just introduced their brand-new ‘Dell Bin.’”

MEYERS – “This week NBC’s Today Show celebrated its 60th anniversary. Or, more accurately, its 60 year descent into madness.”

MEYERS – “A pub in England has started selling a special beer designed for dogs. I’m sorry, let me read that again. A pub in England has started selling Miller Lite.”