“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to the show! I’m your host, Blue Ivy Fallon.”
“That’s right, this weekend, Beyoncé and Jay-Z gave birth to a baby girl named Blue Ivy. The baby was delivered by Dr. Herb Feldstein…featuring Dr. Ed Chang.”
“And this is nice. Jay-Z just released a song for his daughter, that features sounds of her crying. Which explains the song’s title – ‘I Got 99 Problems and Someone Taking Away My Binkie is One.’”
“Here’s some election news. During yesterday’s debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn’t a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the ‘pious baloney.’ Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, ‘Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?’”
“This isn’t good, you guys.. The national debt has reached 15 trillion dollars – the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow. (“He was just like ‘please do something.’”)
“Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama Bin Laden. Yeah, even Bin Laden was like, (ACCENT) ‘It was a pretty sick pass.’”
“Today, President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks, to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters, to congratulate them on that episode of ‘Scooby-Doo’ they did.”
“And finally, today, the Hyundai Elantra was named the car of the year. Incidentally, ‘Hyundai Elantra’ is what Beyoncé plans to name her second child.”
“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon everybody it’s going to be a fun show! Today was the big New Hampshire primary, and listen to this — while campaigning there yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was ‘ready to rock and roll!’ Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to ‘easy listen!’”
“Speaking of Mitt Romney, during his speech in New Hampshire yesterday, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters interrupted him with the rhyme, ‘Live free or die! Always occupy! Live free or die! Always occupy!’ Then it got weird when Mitt was like, ‘Yo, gimme the mic. (RAPPING) Well my name is Mitt and I’m here to say, I comb my hair in a pretty neat way!’ (‘I part it to the left, I part it to the right, I part my hair all night!’)”
“I saw that the first New Hampshire precinct to report primary votes was in a town called Dixville Notch. Then it was on to its neighboring town, Chesticle Falls.”
“Some tech news. LG is coming out with a new TV that lets you change the channel by talking. It’s really hard to watch with my mom—she’s like, ‘Ooh, the bachelor lives in such a nice house. (SURPRISED) Ooh, House is on! He’s such a handsome doctor. (SURPRISED) ‘Ooh, Dr. Oz! I love him!’”
“That’s right, a TV where you change the channel by talking. I’m not sure it works – when I yelled ‘Crap!’ during a football game, the TV put on ‘Jersey Shore.’
“I was just reading about this. A man in California started a website to stop people from overusing the word ‘awesome.’ Wow, that sounds pretty tubular!”
“This is nice you guys. Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted leaving the hospital this morning with their brand new baby. And get this – Beyoncé says they may even start working on their next child – or as they call it, ‘the remix.’”
“And finally, some sports news. It turns out that Tim Tebow gets a 250-thousand-dollar bonus every time the Broncos win a playoff game. Yeah, when he heard about that, God was like, (HAND OUT, SUGGESTIVE COUGH) ‘Ahem.’”
“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Thank you for being here we have a great show. Big election news. Last night Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary with 39 percent of the vote. He said voters of New Hampshire have spoken loud and clear, and said (HOLDING BALLOT) ‘Ugh, well if this is all we got…’” (FILL IN CIRCLE)
“After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney is now two for two. After his performance last night Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two for one. (‘You get a foam finger, key chain, and I forget the third one. Oops.’)”
Hey, did you guys hear about this? Google is launching new search results that include personal information about each user. It’s weird – if you Google ‘Gary Simmons,’ it’s like ‘did you mean, ‘Gary Simmons who cries at the end of ‘Titanic?’”
“Some more tech news. There’s talk that MySpace is planning to launch its own Web TV service. And if you think that’s exciting – then you must work for MySpace.”
“Check this out. Walmart is now offering free tax advice at more than three thousand of its stores. Finally answering the question, ‘Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter, and a shot gun all in one convenient location?’”
“I just saw this. A new study found that last year, America’s obesity rate actually went down. Yeah, the study was conducted by that one researcher: guy who hasn’t been to the mall in a year.”
“And finally, according to the magazine The Advocate, Salt Lake City is the gayest town in the U.S. Which I guess explains that new basketball team: The Utah Jazz Hands.”
“Thank you so much, I feel the love. Oh hot crowd. Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, here’s some big celebrity news. President Obama met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the Oval Office yesterday. And after they left, Obama checked the White House to make sure Sasha and Malia were still there.”
“That’s right, Brad and Angelina went to the White House. When they discussed adoption, Obama was like, ‘Can I interest you in a Biden?’”
“Here’s an election update. Political experts are saying that Mitt Romney’s lack of support in the Latino community could cost him the presidency. But today, Romney said, ‘I will never pander to any one group, or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney, amigo!’”
“And did you see this? A new tell-all book about Mitt Romney is coming out next week called ‘The Real Romney.’ You can tell the book is based on Romney – after 300 pages, the last line is, ‘Actually I just changed my mind about all of that.’”
“I don’t know what to make of this, this is a weird story. A group of mothers started an online petition to get ‘Sesame Street’ to show breastfeeding. Which could get pretty awkward, when one guy’s like, (COOKIE MONSTER) ‘Me thirsty from cookies’ (Num, num, num, num, num!)”
“This is interesting. A new survey found that 16 percent of employees are late to work at least once a week. Man, can you believe that Higgins? (CUT TO PODIUM, NO ONE’S THERE) (Ah, whatever.)”
“Listen to this. A group in Canada is calling on the government to provide free beer for alcoholics. Yeah, the group is called…alcoholics.”
“I just saw this you guys. The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.’”
“And finally, the shoe company Skechers is dropping Kim Kardashian from its Super Bowl ad this year. Get this, they’re using a dog instead. Yeah, instead of committing to a person, they’re just getting a dog – you know, like Kim should’ve done.”
“Thank you so much! I feel the love everybody. Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, it’s going to be a fun show tonight! Some big news out of Washington. In an effort to save three billion dollars, President Obama is trying to merge several federal organizations. Which will be weird, when a guy comes to your door and goes (HOLD UP BADGE) ‘FBI…(HAND OVER LETTERS) here’s your mail.’ (‘You’re too excited, calm down. Great audience, I love these guys.’)
“This is insane. During a campaign stop today, Rick Perry jokingly called on a mannequin during a question-and-answer session. Yeah, the weird part was, it didn’t even ask anything, and Perry still gave the wrong answer.”
“That’s right, Rick Perry called on a mannequin during a Q&A session. Even worse – recent polls actually show the mannequin leading Perry by 8 percent.”
“Check this out. On Wednesday, doctors in Mexico dropped a human heart on the pavement as it was being taken to a hospital. Or as the doctors put it, ‘Uhh…five second rule??’”
“This is pretty strange. A growing number of companies are using prison inmates to handle customer service calls. It’s a little annoying – the last time I asked to talk to a supervisor, I got shanked for snitching.”
“Yeah, prison inmates doing customer service. It’s weird when you call up and you’re like, ‘I think this vacuum is missing an attachment,’ and he’s like, (GRUFF) ‘Have you checked your rectum?’ (‘Huh? I haven’t. Oh I found it! Nevermind. What is a vacuum for anyway?’”)
“Some international news. Next month, North Korea will release political prisoners to mark what would have been Kim Jong-Il’s 70th birthday. Which is sort of annoying cuz that’s what I was gonna do for my birthday.”
“Listen to this. The Irish beer maker Guinness is building a new brewery that will be able to produce over one billion pints a year. One billion pints – or as Irish people call that, ‘pre-gaming.’”
“And finally, a new study found that seniors can improve their brain function by playing video games. Of course, it’s a little annoying – whenever they play Mario Kart, they leave their left blinker on for the entire ride.”
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